A Mother's Spiritual Diary

Divine Favors

So she advances toward God. Her children keep her home. Without ever neglecting the duties of her state of life, she finds time to continue her apostolate of the Cross. She prays, writes her Diary, obeying always her spiritual director. She progresses toward God, now experiencing the light of consolation, now the darkness of desolation, now going through daily difficulties, now feeling joy. She is filled with divine grace, ever more and more. She confides to a bishop who was for her a father and a friend.

"Yes, the favors the Lord has deigned to grant me, despite my ingratitude, are innumerable.

"He carries me along, He envelops me in His immensity and in His attributes. He unveils the mysteries, makes me feel and touch, I know not how, the mystery of the Blessed Trinity, the happiness of God within the communications of the three Divine Persons, the eternal Generation, the sublime origin of the theological virtues and of virginity... this indivisible ensemble of the divine substance, of the Word, of the Holy Spirit, of grace, of light, finally the ineffable things which, if they are not from God, come from the devil, but in any case not from me.

"He communicates to me constantly lights for my self-knowledge which help me not exalt myself above my own wretchedness. At times I sense His presence, above all on receiving Communion, flooding me with His light, with His rays and purifying me. He has thus, by His divine voice, despite my resistance, dictated to me a whole treatise on perfect virtues and vices. He has bid me listen to Him, and even when I pretend not to understand, He does not let me rest until I have written it down fully.

"He told me that He has endowed me with the gift of purity and of humility and my confessors assure me that this is so, for surely, I do not know what impurity is. So I cannot take pride about it myself. It is solely divine grace. This comes from Him, from Him alone. In the midst of so many obligations, prior to his death, toward my husband, and after four years as a widow, toward my children, the Lord never lets me alone. He impels me, by the acceptance of sacrifice, to crucify myself, to desire suffering, martyrdom, to give my blood every day for the salvation of souls and for the Works of the Cross which bring Him such great glory.

"I have been ordered to have my spirit discerned by many Jesuits, two of whom are Provincials, by the Father Visitor of the Missionaries of the Heart of Mary, and by other priests, learned and virtuous men, and this with my confessor's permission. After I returned and after I asked them to pray, he enlightened me, and they all assured me that my spirit is of God, that the Works of the Cross come from Him, that I must have confidence and wait, taking the means offered me for achieving them.

"In the papers I have written on things so elevated that I do not understand them myself, for instance on the Word, on the Holy Spirit, on spiritual effects etc., they affirmed that there was no variance with the teachings and doctrine of the Holy Church which I love more than my life and to which I want to submit myself without reservation, with all my heart.

"I must follow the impulses of the Lord and keep practicing my way of life as a martyr, according to my vow of ever suffering, which the Lord had me make, several years ago, and which He helped me carry out.

"These are the divine favors. They are great but far greater are my sins and miseries. I do not understand how the Lord has made use of this poor instrument as a channel of His grace" (Statement made to Msgr. Leopoldo Ruiz y Flores, in 1905).