A Mother's Spiritual Diary

Alone with my Eight Orphans

The first days of her widowhood were terrible for Conchita. Her doctors thought she was going to die. The thought of her husband followed her everywhere. "What consoles me most on recalling the tragedy which just took place, so cruel and heart-breaking for me, is not only that it was God's will, but also my husband's perfect conformity in accepting the divine will. So much the more since he himself, humanly speaking, judged that his mission was not yet fulfilled, leaving behind such little children. God knew what he was doing. When I told him my heart was crushed by sorrow, he answered: 'Why do you not think of God's will?'" (Diary, Sept. 27, 1901).

Another version, more detailed, has conserved for us the moving memory of her last intimate conversations with her husband. "He said to me: 'Concha, I am dying…' I replied, 'No, you are going to see God'" (Aut. 4:66). After having received Viaticum, he gave his blessing to his children... he insisted that I take special care of the youngest, Pedrito... Then, I asked him for his blessing, begging him to pardon me if I had ever possibly offended him. In turn, he did the same and asked me to bless him. I replied: 'I have always tried to please you. If God calls you, I want to carry out your last wish. What do you desire of me?' He answered, 'That you be wholly at God's disposal and at your children's'" (Aut. 4:66). 

Her husband's death abruptly changed her life, leaving her at once courageous and desolate. "Today my eldest became sixteen.  Even when I control myself, I go through moments of despondency. My tears flow very often without my being able to hold them back.  My heart of flesh recalls many a sorrowful memory. I suffer, drinking deep of sorrow.  May God be blessed for all!

"The sound of my children crying over their father pierced my soul... My body is exhausted. Now it is that I feel wearied for I never was far from my husband while he was ill neither during the day nor during the night, until he died.  Some of the children became ill, the smallest above all. May the Lord sustain me with His Cross" (Diary, Sept. 28, 1901).

On September 30, she sorrowfully wrote: "Today ends the month in which I have suffered most during my life."

In her despair, she turned to Mary: "Remember, Oh my Mother, that never was it known that anyone who had recourse to You was left unaided, I hope in You, I have confidence in You, I fly to You for protection. Mary, help me and my eight orphans" (Diary, Oct. 3, 1901).